I found myself becoming bored the past few days, which made me struggle in my sobriety. I was trying to stick to the things I said I would do as part of my sober journey: read a blog a day from recovery blogs, try to write in my journal every day, look at Pinterest for daily inspiration, workout, and try to do things to keep me sober and busy. These are the things that originally had me excited and ready for sobriety; exploring and discovering new blogs, looking for daily inspiration, seeing and feeling changes in my health and body and the over all newness and challenge of it all. However, just as a new toy becomes tiresome or boring, this routine currently has me bored and isn’t providing the same satisfaction it did in the beginning. Not that I am going to give these things up because they are important to myself and to my sober journey, but the initial excitement faded, and I found myself searching for the reasons I decided to become sober in the first place. It doesn’t help that I live in a small ski town which is now closed for the spring season as we are currently entering mud season for the next month or so (seriously rain and snow EVERY DAY and nothing to do with it!). Therefore, I don’t have many options when I am feeling bored at home. This has made me realize a few things about my drinking and has also helped me further understand what being sober really means.
When I first started to write this post a few days ago I was feeling pretty antsy. Thoughts of going out and having drinks with friends and going to the brewery started flooding my mind as I began to think how fun that would be to pass the time and do something to get out of the house. I started internally bargaining with myself inside my own head, “Well you could just do one drink or two, you did fine last time,” “One or two beers won’t hurt and you love beer!” I even told my friend I would go have drinks with her on her birthday because it was something different and got me excited to think about (I didn’t btw!).
Sitting on my couch yesterday after work I was trying to figure out what to do with my time. The weather wasn’t great and I was trying to counter the thoughts in my head which were telling me I was allowed to have one or two drinks to instead remind me of how poorly I felt when I did, AND my boyfriend came home with a 6 pack of beer. It used to be a pretty normal routine for me to open a beer or pour a glass of wine when I got home after work and to keep drinking until bedtime for the longest time. This made being at home doing nothing FUN. This made watching the same old shows I watched FUN, this made anything I did more FUN (especially things at home) than it would normally be, because I was drunk. This in turn made me realize, one of the reasons I would drink, and I’m sure many can relate, was out of boredom. I actually don’t think I ever got bored doing the same things I am now because drinking was my hobby and when your drunk you’re not really bored. So yesterday as I pondered on the couch I started brainstorming things to do that I haven’t done or done in a while that I could do inside without having to go anywhere and spend any money. I decided I would do some after work yoga to help clear my head and pass some time until I figured out what to do for the remainder of the evening and I came across the 30 days of yoga challenge on YouTube. THIS is exactly what I need, I thought to myself and then another lesson from my sober journey became clear in my head. This is what being sober really is about. It’s not about being bored and not having fun, it’s about trying new things. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do in life? LIVE? Try new things? Go new places, try new hobbies, experience new things as much as possible. Life isn’t about drinking to make it fun or more fun, it’s about experience and trying new things and LIVING. I can’t really live when I am experiencing life drunk or under the influence of alcohol. I am not living when I am sitting on my couch drinking, I am living when I am spending my time doing positive things for myself and those around me. I am not living when I am drunk, I am living when I am using my breath to breathe energy and light into my body, I am living when I stretch my limbs and feel my body thanking me.
I still haven’t had a drop of alcohol since that one sushi and sake night and although I have struggled, I have persevered and am learning to change my perspective. I want to live and I want to remember those moments and being drunk is no way to live. At least not for me. I am excited to tackle new things and for this 30 day yoga challenge and see the results. I am excited that I am getting back into a practice I used to love and long stopped doing because drinking became the priority. After I did the first video of the 30 day challenge I felt energized, I wasn’t craving a drink, and when I was done I wasn’t thinking about what to do to end my bored-ness. I was already thinking about how I would make this experience into a blog entry, I was writing in my journal and sobriety journal, and I felt re-inspired to be living a sober life, even if it is boring at times because I am excited to LIVE and there is nothing boring about that.
If you are interested in to joining the 30 day challenge, here is the link to the first video 🙂